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Hey, world.
I'm not dead, just busy.
Got 2 jobs now and I'm trying to stay active in my friend's band and trying to get some academic & social points with the college I go to. To be honest, this is the most busy I've ever been in my life so far but oddly enough- I like it. I'm actually happy for once.

I've been taking more pictures of my outings since I'm always outside now, so I might as well make this a photo journal? Idea? Maybe???

I cannot wait for this summer. ROAD TRIP YES YES YES. I also got a huuuuge tattoo from the tat shop I work at, so I'll have pictures up of that when its done. :) Anyway, I'm rambling and have nothing to write about really.

Wow, 19 years and I still hate myself.

Hello Autumn.
I love you and I missed you. Its great to be in your arms again.

I am an alcoholic.
There, I said it.

So, love is one of those unnecessary pains in your chest that follows you into your sleep and gets heavier when you have to say goodbye to that person everyday?

Fuck this.
Impersonal coldness I used to resent? Yeah, I need you again.

I miss him already.
I hope its not a mistake.

But something tells me I need it.

Summer. Fucking. Blows.
And Im fat again, damn it.

Im so nervous about Saturday. Jessie and Josh decided they want me to sing in their music show this weekend and we've only been over the song 3 times. I've never sung in front of more than 5 people in my life so needless to say, I. Am. Terrified.

*sigh* I hope I do alright and my voice doesn't show my anxiety. My voice tends to shake when Im nervous. Maybe I'm over thinking it.

In other news, I gained weight again. It bums me out because I only seem to gain weight in the summer. :/

Shit, I cant even sort out one coherent thought. rigdfjgdkfjgdjkfgklsdj.

Yeah so...

I GOT A LAPTOP!!!!

:D!!! My own computer, all mine!

You can expect a lot more updates.

I am phenomenally stupid.

I am sorry.
Even though you will never believe it.

I need to get better friends.
Or just get some fucking standards.

I can't convince myself to smile honestly.
It's a chore, like breathing. I just struggle and it comes
but it tightens a little more each second.

Its suffocating.




Sometimes I wonder wha it takes to earn respect. Am I worthy? Why do I have to work for it?





No one else does.

"Your analytical skills are adequate for any research you're doing right now in your working life, but when it comes to figuring stuff out in your love life, you can't use logic. Facts are nonexistent -- you only have your gut to go on when it comes to emotions. People are too complicated to be figured out objectively, plus they are known to change their mind! If you want to unravel your feelings about someone, just let yourself feel what you feel. Don't try to tell yourself how to feel."


Sometimes I wonder if Yahoo horoscopes follows me around with a pen and a pad of paper and writes down entirely how I feel.

Yesterday was an awesome day.
Incredible.

I love my friends.

....What the fuck am I becoming?











I don't feel well today.

I feel strange today.
I'm not quite sure what to think or how to feel. I'm somewhat numb at the moment. Time just pushes me along and I follow suit.

Its funny, realizing little uncertaninties. How life is just an infinite pool of uncertainty. You could say it was all conceptual. What one feels life is; it is. Or perhaps it is nothing. We're bacteria under a microscope slide. God is a scientist.

God wears a lab coat.

I'm tired. Not the physical kind. Just..generally. In mind, in body, in spirit.

Why do I waste my time trying to piece together the meaning of existence when I consciously know there is none? No answers. Just time.

Just time.

I feel bad for Sean. I keep blowing him off.
I don't mean to. I just take opportunities as they come along. Try to be efficient. Try to be an honest person. What is sad is that I am quite the contrary.

I'm an honest liar.

Haha, wow.
Writing eludes me these days. I feel so objective, its incredible. It's terrible.

Sorry, Sean.
I truly am. I hate hurting your feelings, but I also know it's entirely inevitable. I'm an insect in your stomach. Regardless of where I moive, it will hurt. If I stand still, I'll just be broken down. Passed along. Dissolved.

Its a repetitive cycle.
Fuck it. Im not making any fucking sense.
Maybe Im tired. Or bored. Or silly.

Regardless.


I am sorry.

Things I want:

- a job
- money
- sex
- good friends
- intellect
- to sleep forever
- to get the hell out of this place

things I will probably will never get:

- money
- good friends
- intellect
- getting the hell out of this place


I'm tired.
I've been sick. No one really talks to me anymore. David visited last weekend...it was strange. School has a few more months left. I still have no job and no money. I'm still fat. Still unattractive. Still somewhat miserable.

I complain entirely too much. There seems to be nothing else to fall back on though. Things between Sean and I are strained. He's a lot shorter with me than usual. I can take a hint, it just hurts. He was my best friend. Now I pretty much have...no one. Ha. I deserve it.

Fuck this place.

What did I do?
Days and days I just watch it slip through my fingers and break. I cry when everything is in pieces. I never even tried to stop them from hitting the floor.

Not once.

No, I watched them fall. I knew they would. They just scatter.

I won't be able to fix it. No, not ever.

Somehow seeing that he changed his status didn't bother me. Ive managed to block most of it out. Most of the things I know would crush me. There is no longer anything holding me back from giving it all up now. Just cashing in the chips and fucking leaving this shithole of a place. Leaving life. Leaving uncertainty. I know I wouldn't, but its a strange feeling knowing you have nothing to live for, NO ONE to live for. No one you have to cheer up. Distance fills the gaps between the words and the sympathy. The nights of laughing and being silly. Distance fills it and I'll eventually fade out of his life like I need to. Like he needs me to.

He doesn't need me. I never wanted him to, never. No one needs me. I suppose I could compare myself to junk food. I taste good (to others?) but over time, I just cause more and more problems.

I care. I always did with all my heart I fucking loved him. Im not in love.
Im never in love.
That...is impossible.
But it doesn't mean he somehow impossibly lifted the weight from my shoulders when we were together. Showed me a polarity between the half empty glass and the full one. Made me laugh at childish mistakes.

I just knew it would end up this way.
Fear. Guilt.
So much guilt. So much fucking guilt. He doesn't deserve this. I should feel guilty. Im so fucking impersonal. So cold. Why do I devalue love so much? Why am I so fucked up?

He still wants to be friends. It kills me. It really fucking kills me. I know it will never, ever be the same. Ever, ever again. I'll never have him back as my Sean. My sidekick. My companion. My best friend. Its gone.

Gone because I made a selfish decision.

I deserve to hurt.
He doesn't. I just wish I could absorb it all. Take away all the pain and keep it to myself. As long as they're happy.

They deserve to be happy.

I deserve nothing.

Nothing.

Every fucking weekend.

I can't say I don't love it though. Dear god.
I'm having f-u-n.

Happy Valentines everyone. <3